Journal

The Interim

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It is the New Year…Resolutions abound. I’m going to work out. I’m going to lose weight. I’m going to find the perfect partner. I want to cook more. These are all things I have thought of during this transitional time and many others. Inevitably, I’m defeated by the might of my own goal. I find myself making excuses. Then, I give up.
This year, I am taking a different approach. I’m going to give up the quest for perfection and live today. I’m going to live my life where I am today. Everyday, I’ll do the things I want to do instead of waiting for the perfect tomorrow. For me, this has been a very important decision to make.

I find myself wallowing in self pity because I am not where I think I need to be in order to do things I want to do. I want to sew more but I don’t because I don’t have the skills I need. I want to have a more fashion forward style but I resist because I despise my current shape. I want to cook more but it makes me sad that I have no one to feed. I want to write more about health and fitness but I don’t because I don’t have enough knowledge I presume.

I have a reason why not for every dream. The reason not to is often grounded in the imperfection of who I am today. The realization I have had though is that perfection is a moving goal that is crafted out of doing. If I don’t do, I won’t move the needle any closer.

I have always lived my life waiting. The wait gets longer and I spend that time unhappy. I can’t do that anymore. If there is anything I have learned, it is that life is unpredictable and the moment to live is now. Not later, not 20 pounds lighter or a nursing degree in hand…now is better than then, no matter how imperfect it all seems.

This year, 2018, my commitment is to live my life in the interim. I pledge to make the clothes. I promise to dress daringly. I intend to speak on women’s health passionately. I solemnly swear to live each day as I am.

For Now and For Later

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I had an epiphany the other day that o had been doing life wrong. Haha! This isn’t one of my crazy life-changing moment. It is just a slight adjustment of outlook.

So, let me explain myself. I have always lived life focusing on the moment. When I was in school, I focused on school. Then after I got out of school, I complained that I was behind all of my classmates, in terms of career and personal life. The thing I realize now though is that when I was stuck on school, they were juggling school, jobs, relationships and other interests.

So, the reason I always feel behind is that I failed to take a strategic outlook on life. Instead of getting stuck on the minutiae of day to day life, I need to keep an eye on the big picture of my life.

This time around as I go through the process of returning back to school, I am focused on now and later. I am really learning to focus on balance. I prioritize my classes but also make sure I keep up with my loved ones. I am also being really proactive about remembering that the end goal is a career and a personal life. The end goal is not a perfect GPA.

I just keep telling me myself, “Live life as it now and plan for it as you want it to be.” Every time I tell myself this, it allows me to prioritize my day better. It helps me understand that those things that I am doing now that seem useless are part of the end goal. It might not make sense for the life I currently live but it is practice for the life I want to live.

#metoo

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The tides have been up for a while. It started with Weinstein and who knows where it would end. And it keeps coming…

This morning I was driving and listening to the Breakfast Show. The Rumor Report with Angela Yee teased that a big-time morning show host had been fired. I wondered ‘who’ and kept driving.

Then the finally the bomb dropped. Matt Lauer, of the NBC Today show, was fired for workplace sexual misconduct. I felt something in tummy. Then Charlemagne opened his mouth to talk about how it is weird that he was fired so quickly. He basically insinuated that Matt Lauer might be innocent and that the wave of sexual misconduct report was false. That thing I felt in my tummy turned to anger. I changed the radio station.

Here is one thing that sadly binds me to millions of women; I have experienced sexual harassment. As a woman, sexual harassment crazy because it can be so subtle that you feel like you are thinking too much. It can make you feel as if your discomfort is your own fault and that the perceived advances are nothing more than your own imagination. Sometimes, the harasser is known for this behavior so you are expected to just ignore. The sexual harassment becomes your burden because it is now on you to avoid the person. As a woman, it is on you to keep yourself safe. You are constantly victimized because every day is another day of surviving the same shit you did yesterday.

So when men like Charlemagne sit on their high horses and want to create doubt, it makes me mad. It makes me mad because these men that are sowing seeds of doubts are probably perpetrators of harassment, too. It makes me mad because these men that dictate what is true are probably trying to cover their own sins too.

Don’t tell me that the women coming forward are wrong. Don’t tell me that punishment is too swift and unjust. Don’t tell any of those things until you can tell me how to reclaim time for the women who have been affected by this. The New York Times had a story about how one of Weinstein accuser, Annabella Sciorra, loss of her career potential due to sexual harassment. When I read that story it hit home because I thought of the many things women have lost because of sexual harassment. There is the self-doubt that creeps in because you are not sure how to handle the situation. There is the loss of trust and the inability to be at ease with people because you wonder who else is going to hurt you. There the loss of opportunity because you have stepped on the wrong toe if you fight to advances. If you are coerced and attacked, you start to wonder who knows. After the attack, you worry about your reputation. You ask yourself if your goals and aspirations in life are worth the price of constantly being afraid and on the age.

It is easy for men to talk about the “War on Men” because they have not lived their entire lives feeling unsafe. If there is a war on men, then women have definitely been living under sustained attack for a while. There is no war on men, in my opinion, I think we are experiencing a moment of reckoning. I think we are experiencing a wave of truth. I think we are seeing men grapple with the idea that women have power and they exercising it en masse. One of the things that is interesting about the stories we are not telling publicly is that they have been told privately for so long. A lot of these incidents have been swept under the rug as part of these men’s reputation for so long. How many times have we heard, “Oh, he had a reputation for liking women” as if women are candy in a shoppe waiting to be unraveled?

I wish I could say this was a permanent fix. I wish I could this would never happen again. I am young enough to not know of any other moments like this one. I am old enough to know that soon enough the men that are so eager to act would feel the heat too close and start sheltering the accused again. The men that have fallen would lay low until the public has forgotten and then the redemption would begin.

This is just a phase, sadly.

 

 

A Royal Engagement

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Prince Harry and Meghan Markle wave at the Press while posing for official engagement pictures.
(AP Photo/Matt Dunham)

Like most of the world, I have been enthralled by the engagement of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle today. There are a couple of things that I have had in the back of mind all day.

As a child in Nigeria, I did grow up knowing a bit about the royal family. It was just something that seemed so glamorous especially because of the glitz that Diana, the Princess of Wales, brought to her role. It is against this backdrop that I view the resurgence of the British Monarchy into public consciousness in the last few years. It has been incredible to see the way that Prince Williams and his brother, Harry, have navigated the media landscape in their adulthood. Of course, they have brought have their fair share of scandals. In the last few years though, each of them has managed to carve a role for themselves that is beyond just being wealthy royal men.

With his marriage of the last few years, Williams is seen as the happily married young father. His marriage to Catherine helped to solidify the brand that Prince Harry is now extending with his marriage to Meghan Markle. When Williams gave Catherine his mother’s iconic ring, he essentially made sure that his mother would never be forgotten. He also bought into the goodwill that the public still has for Diana by making her such a prominent part of his union with Catherine. Catherine has been very brand conscious by trying to replicate the style of parenting from Diana’s playbook. Instead of stuffy royal protocol, the Diana style of parenting involves fulfilling your duties while making sure that your children know that they are loved and can have carefree moments of childhood.

It is this very of the royal family building that Prince Harry is tapping into when he ensured that the news of his engagement prominently featured the information about his mother’s diamonds. Harry in the past few years has really tapped into his mother’s goodwill. His public rehabilitation from a young man who seemed on pushing every boundary to a young public servant making sure that children and veteran are not forgotten can be linked to the Diana playbook. With his use of his mother’s diamonds to propose to Ms. Markle, Harry is declaring that he is his mother’s child and that the part of her that is him is a very important part of who he is.

I find it interesting that despite the fact that the princes still have their father alive and have known him longer than they knew their mother, a big part of any story about them is about their mother.Watching the interview Harry and Ms. Markle did to announce the engagement, it struck me deeply that more time was spent dissecting his relationship with his mother and her family than anything else family-related. It is very clear that Diana’s influence is still heavy.

The other thing that was very clear in the interview, with Harry and Ms. Markle, is the bond between them. Theirs is a bond that appears to be strong and loving. There were moments watching that interview where I felt like I was intruding on a private moment. For a couple that has to spend a lot of their relationship publicly, I hope they retain that ability to close off the world and focus on each other.

Looking at them as a couple in their mid-thirties, I was happy to see that love there. At this age, it could be easy to be cynical and to be protective of one’s emotions. I am glad to see that it is possible to find love in your thirties. Not the kind of love that is based on responsibilities. The kind of love that sweeps you off your feet and makes you want to only speak to your significant other. The kind of love that allows you to shut off the gaze of a million eyeballs and still look at each other like you are the only ones in the room. I was looking at Harry’s body language during the latter half of the interview. One of the things that struck me is when he crossed his legs towards her. In practically created a barrier between them and the world. I hope that barrier stays in place figuratively.

Like Barack Obama said, all the joy and the happiness in the world is all I hope for Prince Harry and his bride.

Creativity and Boredom

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successful creative life requires a high tolerance for boredom and repetition.

It is the long weekend here in the United States because of Thanksgiving. The turkey, or goat meat, has been eaten.  Tables have been cleared and the fridge is heaving with leftovers. I am getting back to the business of life via binge watching Youtube.

I have watched so many beauty tutorials, I feel like I can blend out my crease while sleeping and still have a flawless finish. I have recently gotten back into watching beauty tutorials because I have recently started falling back in love with myself. Every time I get sucked into the black hole that is Youtube, it always amazes how much growth that platform has experienced.

My adventure with Youtube started 10 years ago. I remember watching Panacea81  channel back in the days. She was the one that really got me to think about buying brushes instead of using the tiny brushes that came with the makeup kit. Of course, times have changed now on Youtube. There are now thousands and thousands of beauty vloggers alone. There are all sorts of categories of Youtube channels.

Today, while I was watching Nikkie Tutorials channel, she mentioned that she had been making Youtube videos for 9 years. It occurred to me that I don’t think I have committed to anything for that long in my life. As I hopped through channels, I realized that the vloggers that I like are the ones that have been doing it for a long time. They are the ones that have built their contents even when they were making no money off it.

I have made an effort to seek out new Youtube beauty channels. When I say new, I mean channels that are just coming up. I love watching Kyra Knox these days. I am also a fan of Joulezy. These are channels that haven’t cracked the PR list for the most part yet or built a massive audience yet.

As I watch these women who are bravely starting channels and consistently putting themselves out there, I am inspired to figure out how I want to present myself to the world. I have filmed videos intending to start a Youtube channel for years and I back down because I am too scared to put myself out into the world in that way. I have walked away from blogs and deleted blogs because I am more comfortable with admitting defeat than imagining success.

Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic came on my radar, a couple of weeks back, via my friend Bukky. Big Magic is a book that explores being creative through fear. I haven’t gotten around to reading the book yet. Instead, I have been listening to her podcast. It has made me realize that living a successful creative life requires a high tolerance for boredom and repetition. Sometimes, I imagine that as a creative person everything I do will be exciting and groundbreaking. The truth is that in order to be creative and develop the skills I need to execute at a higher level, I need to be okay with failing and repeating the same things until I get it right. I need to be okay with being ok instead of being great. I need to realize that building audience takes time. I need to accept that there is no perfect time to start being creative.

The other day I was on the Ipsy Facebook page when I saw a video that inspired me. The video was a collaboration with Maryam Remias. Maryam Remias is an older woman with grey hair and tips dyed a vibrant purple. She is not what anybody would assume to be the target audience for make-up but she clearly is interested so she has a Youtube channel doing tutorials for older women. Watching her on the Ipsy page made me realize there is no bad time to tap into my interests and creativity. There is not a tipping point where I am suddenly qualified to start chasing my dreams.

I don’t know where I am heading creatively with this blog yet. However, I do know that I am going to try my best to keep showing up. I have to do it for myself to exercise that consistency muscle. Eventually, I hope I’ll find my rhythm and my path would be clearer than it is now.

In the meantime, I have to go back to Youtube and catch up with Shameless Maya who inspires me every day to live my life vicariously. I have to see what slay Jackie Aina has created for my black skin. Maybe when I am done, I’ll fall asleep listening to Kina Grannis.

Happy Thanksgiving

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I'm thankful

It is that time of the year again.  Thanksgiving is here! The biggest food day in the United States and the beginning of the end of the year. There is something about Thanksgiving that just gets me reminiscing about the outgoing year. My best girl and I were talking earlier about how 2017 had been a beast of no name. It has been that year where sometimes we just felt like we wanted to fast forward through all the ups and the downs and get on to next year.

Through all of the drama that has happened this year, I realize that this has been one of the best years of my adult life.

This year, I traveled more than I had in the previous 5 years combined. I got to hang out with my loved ones longer than I have. My big sister got married and she was an absolutely gorgeous bride. My mother moved into a house of her own and reached a milestone age. My best friends gave me a gorgeous baby boy to call my godson. These are just the things that I can speak about publicly.

Sometimes we get hung up on how bad things are because bad things are jarring. I am trying to make it a practice to be more grateful for good things. I am learning to realize that bad thing are doors that are closing so that good things can happen if we allow it.

I am grateful for the year that I have had so far. I am thankful for the love that is new and old. I am thankful for the family that surrounds me by choice or by birth. I am excited about the festivities of the year. I am hopeful for the things that are coming next.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Redefining Self-Care

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Self care is not about candles and lazy days. Self-care is a daily commitment to care for yourself
I honestly try not to click on Thought Catalog articles when I am on Facebook. Really, I try but I am one of those fishes that bite on click bait. So I end up opening up the article and I am disappointed.

Imagine my surprise when I clicked on an article from Thought Catalog and it made me think deeply. It struck such a nerve that I actually saved it so that I could read it again and again until I was clear on what it had struck.

The article made me rethink the meaning of self-care. I am one of those ones that thinks of self-care as doing calming/relaxing things. My favorite self-care so far has been getting an hour-long massage when I was stressed out this summer. It was glorious. The thing the Thought Catalog article made me realize that though is that self-care should not be about managing stress alone. Self-care should be about designing a life that minimizes stress and encourages self-fulfillment. Read more

Surrender

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I need to surrender to where I am at so that I can get to where I want to be.
I feel like the year 2017 has been a meditation on surrendering.

I am not as strong as used to be just a few short weeks ago. It is taking me a lot of grace to accept that fact.

A few short weeks ago, back in the dark ages of September, I moved houses. It was a tedious process as all moves are. It required a bit of schlepping and heavy lifting of things. And I did. I did it mostly by myself because I could… and because I am bad at asking for help and receiving help.

In the midst of that move I had to learn to develop the grace required to understand that in letting others help me, I am learning to love and be loved. So I asked for help and received help. But it was so easy in that moment because I could do it myself.

Today, I did some lifting because I just was tired of being told I was too sick or not well enough. Nothing makes me feel smaller than knowing I have to wait. I have to wait for others to create time for me. Patience is not one of my greatest strength.

Now that I have done it myself, I regret it. My body was not ready yet. I am still not strong yet. I should simply have waited.

Lesson learned. I need to surrender to where I am at so that I can get to where I want to be.