‘Tis the time of the year when reflection is generally accepted and resolutions run amok. I have had a long think about what I want to say about the year 2015. All of the good and bad; all of the beautiful and ugly. And still, I have found that there are no profound words coming to me.
Make no mistake, I am thankful. I am really thankful for this exiting year. I have had a lot of good times. The best part was living with my sister in the earlier part of the year. I had career growth this year. Without going into list, it has been a progressive year. For that, I am thankful.
I was watching YouTube when I ran into this video and I just felt it was the most fitting song for the end of the year. Have fun, be safe and see you on the other side!
I have always been intrigued by politics. Maybe this is the heritage of growing up in a country that was not quite a democracy. A country that see-sawed between regimes of brutality and corruption. As a child I watched power come and go. I heard about elections and coups. Somewhere between the whispered voices of the populace and the crackdown of the henchmen, I became intrigued with politics and the political process.
The thing that happens when you immigrate though is that you lose one home without quite being at home. I was not in Nigeria to vote but I was not American to vote even as I attained my majority. So a few weeks after my 30th birthday next year, I will be casting my first vote in a nationwide election. I am still debating if I should vote in the primaries since I am a registered democrat.
Now that I am a voter, I find that I am afraid to exercise my power. Back in the days of green card, it was easy to give money. I gave money to Barack Obama in those days. I talked off my mother’s ears about the American politics. That was easy. Being a voter, for me, is hard. To cast my one vote is to say, “I trust you to represent me, to make choices that represent my best chances.”
Maybe my anxiety as a first time voter is more reflective of the current political environment. I see one side with crazy voices. Another side with sensible voices but bland stories. I find that I want to be inspired. Not by the thoughts of the first female president or the first socialist government. I want to look at the candidates and see America’s hope. If I am honest, I am not much inspired by the candidates. But as a voter, I am forced to choose from a set of imperfect options.
My first syrup for syrupsbyseme! It is a Spiced Apple Hibiscus with notes of apple, orange, cinnamon, ginger and cloves.
I opened a shop, syrupsbyseme, on Etsy. I put up a picture. Entered in a few details and wham! I joined a legion of small business owners. There is a moment when you are going through the many pages on Etsy when you get to that button that signifies that your business is open. At that button, I paused. Said a prayer. Then pressed the button and suddenly my business was open. Read more
Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes explores a year of affirmation of self
I am different. I am an original. And like everyone else, I am here to take up space in the universe. I do so with pride.
-Shonda Rhimes ‘Year of Yes’
Just finished Shonda Rhimes Year of Yes! OMG! This woman just changed my life. There are a few pivotal moments in my life. One of them was the moment when I realized I was not crazy or weird but an introvert. Recognizing my introversion set me free from the burden of trying to be like everyone. It allowed me to create my own space and celebrate me.
It is funny and powerful that a couple of days ago I was writing on Facebook about how I am learning to occupy space in public by watching men in the gym. I have always struggled with the idea of taking up space in the world. I have tend to favor hiding away from the world, both literally and figuratively. As a child and as an adult, if there were too many people around, I like to hide. As a child and a teenager, I hid in my books. I took books with me to parties with my sister and read in a corner while every one mingled. It was my thing. When I first moved to Boston and lived in a house with young adults that favored house parties, I liked to hide in my room and lock the door. They must have thought I was the strangest person ever. I have been struggling with the idea of needing my own space but wanting the intimacy of sharing space with others. I have never felt like I had the social skills to succeed out in the world. I am awkward. Sometimes, I feel ugly and self-conscious. I say the wrong things. I can be too passionate among people who would rather that share anything concrete. Sometimes I experience temporary deafness and I can’t hear what is being said. In my own world, with my own room and within my own imaginary world, my flaws are not fatal. So I choose to hide.I feel like Year of Yes is really about how to balance the need to be within yourself but still make space to be with others. Reading about Ms. Rhimes’ social anxiety was so relatable but encouraging. If she can break out of the box, so can I. I can learn to be social and connect with others.
There are so many moments in the book where I had to stop and take it in. So many life-affirming moments for me as a black woman, both personally and professionally. I am not exactly breaking ceilings in the work that I do but at the same time I am not exactly surrounded by role models who look like me in the work that I do. I like that Ms. Rhimes is not afraid to speak openly about what it means to be in a room that is often filled with ‘others’. I never realized the concept of the ‘other’ until I moved to the California at 16. At community college, I was underage, a non-drinker, non-driver, nerdy student in a campus where everyone thrived on being cool. Perhaps the greatest flaw I had in those days was my inability to be black. I was called an oreo more than once; looks black, acts white. I didn’t understand what that meant then, I still don’t fully get it now. To me, I am who I am. Color never had anything to do with it.
I know that I need a year of yes of my own. I don’t think I say it enough but coming to United States, especially Boston, made me yet broke me in more ways that one. I lost my innocence and optimism in Boston, one racist incidence after another. I think I allowed myself to be made small, to be told not dream, to accept that in many ways I can’t be the type of success I always dreamed I wanted to be. Some would say I did not try but I dare anyone to walk into a room where no one looks like you, sounds like you or understands you and still feel comfortable. I have been doing some of the work in preparation for my Big 30 but reading Year of Yes makes me realize that I need to do more.
I need to open myself to more things that scare me. Nothing scares me at the moment like dating does. Putting myself out there is like asking people to judge me and tell me if I am worthy. But the thing is that the dream for me has always been marriage, children, the house and maybe a cat or dog. My dreams have nothing to do with traditions of being an African woman. They have everything to do with the need to love, to care, to have my own tribe and to create a home. So as scary as dating seems, nothing seems scarier to me going out of my 20s that a life spent alone without a home, a place and a people to ground me. Ms. Rhimes says dreams don’t come true by dreaming but by doing. I need to be live life more fully in lusty pursuit of impossible dreams. I need to be a doer.
Be a doer, not a dreamer.
-Shonda Rhimes ‘Year of Yes’
Reading Shonda Rhimes Year of Yes, I can tell already, is going to have a huge impact on how I look at what it means to be an introvert. I have laughed, I have cried, I have had deep thought and really shallow thoughts reading this book. I have paused and raced through this book. I have felt the magnitude of this book. I have gifted out this book. I have recommended this book. I recommend this book.
Does anyone ever have the problem of having too many dreams? Please, only real humans should respond to this. I am not looking for the super-humans who have 12 careers going concurrently without a hair our of place. Now that I have cleared that up, let’s get back to the issue at hand.
Lately, I have been thinking that I want to do more with my life. I signed up for classes that I think would benefit my career in the long run. I started working out. I am trying to eat healthier. I am also trying to get back into some of the things that I let slide like my writing, my food blogging, etc. But the thing is that I feel overwhelmed.
Yes, I know it probably because I am trying to make so many changes in so little time. I get that. There are some things that I am doing that actually make me feel better about my life. My burgeoning exercise routine has me feeling positive generally about life so I am glad I am making that change.
However, even positive changes take up time and commitment. I feel like I don’t have enough time in the day to do what I need/want to do. Today, I was supposed to finish some coursework on my classes but I remembered that I had some writing to attend to. Plus I wanted some relaxation time. By the time I was done, I have no time left for the class. And I feel like this ‘oops, I got something else’ is going to spiral out of control. Then I will be back to my chronic lack of follow through.
Alright, I getting the sense that I need to breathe before I become too overwhelmed. Does anyone have any suggestions for having too many dreams, too little time?
I decided that I wanted more for my life so I decided to do something about it. Learn something new. Pick up some new skills, stretch myself in ways that I am afraid to. I signed up for classes on Coursera. I actually reached into my pocket, paid the class fees and started learning. 4 hours of learning later or so, I feel like I have reached the most logical point to give up. Fuck all my aspirations, hopes and dreams. Forget about my life time. In this moment when I feel uncomfortable, I have reached the logical point to give up. I could spend my whole life complaining about why I don’t feel satisfied instead of pushing myself to do something new.
I told my sister I was starting classes online. She told me she was afraid for me. I have been diagnosed with chronical lack of follow through. I have no willpower. I hate being uncomfortable. I would rather do the same thing over and over again then be uncomfortable. Haven’t you heard? I ate the same plate of food from a restaurant for a week because I was afraid that I might hate everything else. Why ruin a mediocre life with adventures when I could be just okay? Just okay paying my bills, just okay intellectual simulation, just okay lifestyle. I could tell my mother every phone call that I am grateful for the just okay life. Alihamdulilahi for the just okay.
I think it is probably a sin to confuse complacency with gratitude. A very thin line it is but there comes a point when saying “I am grateful for what I have” becomes a sin because you are refusing to push yourself just further. I think I have reached the logical point to quit just okay. I am done. I am going to put on my big girl pants and get to work.
This is one of the hardest things I will probably do. This is probably the most rewarding thing I will probably do. I feel like at 29, I am ready to let go of my inhibitions and become more than just okay. I want to see in myself what my mother, father, sister, mentors and friends see in me. I want to be more than just okay.
Yesterday, I ran into Lauryn Hill’s Unplugged album. I was reading some posts on Facebook when there was this commentary about how her album was so it almost ruined her life. Anyway, as I was listening to this album that I had never really consciously listened to, it made me realize that Ms. Hill is the one who allowed artistes like my dear Ms. India Arie to do what they do. Ms. Hill’s lyrics are (and I use present tense because some words never age ) soulful and insightful. I was so touched listening to her beautiful words that I knew that I wanted share it here.
And halfway through the challenge, she decided that it was the best time to learn the half-moon. The half-moon is a standing split almost. It requires balancing on one leg and one hand while the other limbs hover in the air. It requires a lot of integrity and focus. It requires self-awareness. It requires confidence. In that moment, when I kept falling out of my posture, I was not sure I had what it took to maintain a half-moon for a full breathe. So I paused the video and went into the child pose.
The child pose has always been one of my favorite poses in yoga. It brings me back to earth. I have started using the child pose a place of meditation when I feel lost during my practice. When I feel like I can’t, I tell myself I can. I am beautiful. I am strong. I can do this. I chant this continuously for what seems like hours within a minute. Sometimes, I feel myself crying. I will myself not to give up on my dreams, not to give-up on my body, not to give up on my soul. In that moment while I go through this self affirmation, I rediscover my commitment to life, to living.
As I write this, I am half-way through a 30 day challenge that I am doing with a yogi callled Adriene on Youtube. (If you are interested in learning about her, click here). One of the things that Adriene says that connects with me is that showing up is often the hardest part of any practice. This has been so true for me in the past 15 days. I have been busy with work and life but I am constantly creating space because it is something I believe in. I believe that is important to create space for myself and meditate through movement. It is one of the reasons why I explore various options for exercising.
Self-affirmation is something that I use in my daily practice. It is what fuels my runs. It is what fuels me when I am lifting. It is what compels me to make the right choices. After going through my chant today half-way through the practice with Adriene, I was able to move and breathe into the half-moon pose. It was not easy but I connected back with my body and I was able to achieve the shapes. It is the victories in moments like this that make me realize that I can. I should. I will…keep chasing impossible.
I have been really busy lately with work. I feel like I have ramped up my life because there is no other way to get the things I want if I don’t work hard. I am more invested in my work and I am consciously trying to go. This has left me feeling overwhelmed sometimes. I just feel like I am always tired and I am not able to focus on the other things that I have going on in life. I have spent part of the last month doing yoga to help me center myself. I think I need to get back on my mat and show up for myself.
This week, I have two days off in a row. In retail speak, it is like having a mini-vacation. Instead of staying home as I normally would, I got out and had a good day in Boston. I started my day with a Skype session with an old friend that I have not spoken to in a while. We spoke about nothing important but just connecting and having someone I have known for a while be here was so uplifting. Then I hit the town.
I started the day out going to a new fast food place. I had gotten into this rot of always going to Five Guys whenever I feel like getting a bite in Downtown Boston. Today, I went to Piperi, a lovely Middle Eastern fast food joint. There are like a Middle Eastern version of Chipotle. I enjoyed my falafel salad bowl very much. Then I went to see Pixar’s Inside Out in 3D. I cried watching that movie because I felt like it spoke to a lot of the issues I deal with emotionally. I came out of it understanding that being sad is not bad. Change is not bad. And that is something I am never too old to learn.
After the movie, I hit up the Boston Public Market. I really loved my trip there because I am super into retail and conscious living/choices. It was so cool to see so many local producers in one place. I loved seeing all the local meat as well. I am excited to try some of the turkey sausage that I bought there. After visiting the market, I did a spot of grocery shopping for my lunch this week and came home.
It was such an amazing day and I feel a wonderful kind of tiredness in my bones. I am excited to stay home tomorrow and clean my house. While I am sitting here typing this spontaneous missive, I have been listening to Archduke’s ‘Ama be happy.’ This is a band I discovered from one of my favorite vlogging couple, Jamie and Nikki. It is a song that has been stuck in my head a while. I just love repeating it to myself “Ama be happy/ Ama Be Good/You Better Believe it.”
I have always been intrigued by politics. Maybe this is the heritage of growing up in a country that was not quite a democracy. A country that see-sawed between regimes of brutality and corruption. As a child I watched power come and go. I heard about elections and coups. Somewhere between the whispered voices of the populace and the crackdown of the henchmen, I became intrigued with politics and the political process.
